The Best Beauty Products for a Bangin’ Bikini Bod
by Brittany Fischer
For those of you who may not know: one of the best parts about living in Boston . . . is leaving Boston, and going to Nantucket. Just a hop, skip, and a jump away from our fair city, a magical little island awaits us every summer, and it happens to contain the most darling hundred square miles on the entire planet. It’s a rare place where absolutely anything and everything you lay your eyes can be described as adorable. Teensy cottages covered in those distinctive weathered gray shingles? Adorable. Enormous bushes of baby blue hydrangeas? Adorable. Cobblestone streets peppered with vintage bicycles and Jeep Wranglers? Adorable. Entire families dressed in seersucker and pastels? Adorable. But it doesn’t stop there: the pharmacy’s adorable, the grocery store’s adorable, the lampposts are adorable. Even things that are not at all adorable, when placed in Nantucket, seem to suddenly become so.
But there are two things that will never be adorable, no matter their surroundings: the first—pasty white skin, and the second—cellulite. I happen to be in Nantucket at this very moment, and believe me, I had to give my body a serious overhaul before I hopped on the ferry. I’m not exactly a gym rat, so I have a few secrets up my sleeve. My weapons against flab? St. Tropez Bronzing Mousse and Bliss FatGirlSlim Cream.
Let me start out by saying, if you want to get down and dirty with these miracle products (and believe me, you do), you’re going to need a night alone. If you have a spouse, lover, or judgmental roommate lurking around, find a way to get them out of the house. You are going to look AND smell absolutely foul for a full six hours, but it’s please trust me when I tell you that it’s worth every second.
I know this is easier said than done, so here are a few suggestions for clearing out your bedroom:
- Pick a fight with your significant other and tell them to sleep on the couch.
- Do something annoying to your significant other so that they tell you to sleep on the couch.
[Isn’t it a good thing I’m not a Relationship Advice Columnist? Seriously though, I was mostly kidding about those first two ideas. Mostly.]
- Have a “Girls’ Night In” party where you can all coat yourself in self-tanner and laugh at one another. By the time your Meg Ryan Movie Marathon is over, you’ll be ready to wash up.
- Utilize a guest bedroom, if you are among the lucky few that have one.
- Apply product during the daytime if no one is home, then shower it off before you have to make contact with the outside world.
Okay, assuming you have found some “me” time, the next step is to simply slather your body in the Bronzing Mousse. St. Tropez sells an “application mitt” that makes this process extra easy. Just pump the product onto the mitt and rub it all over your body. The only way that your tan will appear streaky is if you miss a spot, so have at it! Seriously–douse yourself in it! Afterwards, you should resemble a body builder at a competition. You should look bright orange, splotchy, shiny, and totally monstrous. Do not fret—you will be gorgeous in a few hours. Promise. I usually apply the mousse right before bed, and then hop into some loose black leggings and a big T-shirt before I hit the hay. I shower first thing in the morning, and when I get out, I have a perfectly even, natural tan. It’s not orange in the slightest, and I swear something about this stuff does wonders for my face. It clears up my skin and makes it super soft. Bonus!
The FatGirlSlim Cream is even simpler. All you have to do is massage it into your skin like lotion once a day. The smell is not great. It’s a bit like Icy Hot, but subtler. You’ll feel a cool, tingly sensation, which means the encapsulated caffeine is doing its job. I used this for a week and did not work out once. My boyfriend, totally oblivious, saw my butt one day and asked me if I’d been hitting the gym. Ha! As if! I’ve been a believer ever since—and I can see a difference too. Now, don’t expect miracles. FatGirlSlim works wonders, but not absurd wonders. You won’t look like you lost significant weight. It’s not, like, a substitute for diet and exercise. But, with that said–if you have a few little dimples that you could stand to part with, I’m fairly certain that you will see them diminish over time with regular use of this product. You can hold me to it.
What do you guys think? Are sunless tans are tacky or awesome? Are cellulite creams . . . pipe dreams? I’d love to hear your thoughts.